Anyway, there is this guy on my program and he keeps on flirting with me (I think?) – today four of us from the group started watching a movie in my room, so my roommate and me put our beds together so the four of us can lie down on the bed to watch the movie. The guy, let’s call him T, was snuggling next to me (I was in the middle, the computer was on my lap), and kept on touching my arm and playing with my hand…

And he would lie on my stomach even when other people are around…

The thing is, I’m not really deflecting his advances – I’m kind of accepting them. Is it because I really want the attention or the affection? He’s really a douchebag – he drinks at least a bottle of wine a day and sounds like a douchy fratboy (which he is).

Am I doing this because I want to forget about J?

Day 7: stayed in the monastery at Rome so no picture…

Day 8: San Miniato, top of the Duomo, Florence, Italy

Day 9: the alcoholic, T, wanted a drink at the Lion’s Den in Florence, and we just happened to see a tee-shirt bearing our Alma Mater’s name. Oh boy. Santa Maria Novella.

Day 10: Pienza for the day – very small, but very picturesque town. Walked along the Lover’s Walk.

Day 11: Not much today – traveled from Florence to Bologna by train, had a lot to drink for the night (Irish Coffee, some Gin Fizz, and some Margarita). I need to learn to forget about J. He isn’t even showing up on my preferred contacts list on Facebook anymore – he must have forgotten about me.

Arggg what to do??

I traveled a lot since the end of the fall semester – first to HK, then to Shenzhen, then Zhuhai, HK, Guangzhou, HK, and then to Rome for my winter program. I’m now in Florence, Italy. Below is  basically a recount of the past 6 days in Italy:

Day 1: arrived in Rome

Day 2: Rome

Day 3: Rome

Day 4: Rome

Day 5: Rome, then Florence

Day 6: Florence

I’ve been sick recently, and the cold weather in Florence is not helping. I’ll come back with more photos as my trip goes on. I still have a 10 page paper to write so…… yeah. Ciao.

Why? Well… I don’t know why, but it just doesn’t bother me that much anymore.

Anyway, my last post was about my nose. Now it’s about my eyes. Yay.

A picture of my eyes… See the difference in the fold? My left eye (this is mirror-imaged; sorry – Mac Photobooth is dumb) has an inner double lid, while my right eye has an outer double lid. This isn’t too noticeable when I have my bangs over my forehead, but it is very noticeable when I try to put on makeup because makeup doesn’t show up as well on my left eye as on the right eye.

Yeah. Back to writing my crappy ass essay.

Maybe I still do, but I don’t know. It really depends on the angle, I suppose.

I used to hate my nose because I thought it is just so big. It just looks so … unflattering on my face, especially since I am a girl and I don’t want something this big in the middle of my already unattractive face. It also takes away from my eyes, which are big (albeit… not perfect – post for another day). Furthermore, there’s a bump on my nose bridge so when viewed from the side, my nose looks… ugly.

So yeah. I just hope it doesn’t get any bigger. I hope that if I do become skinnier, some of the water content from my nose cartilage will drain out and it’ll look smaller.

Seriously – with such an angular face I look like a man. No wonder people call me Lee Minho all the time, probably because his nose bridge is super high too (although his nose looks a lot better than mine.. but his is probably cosmetically altered).

Picture of Lee Minho, from City Hunter.

I finally signed up for Chinese Facebook, renren (人人网). Why did I do it? Well, I suppose my main reason was because I wanted to see the comments on J’s photos (the ones about the formal we went to) because apparently some freshie fobs from China said I was pretty (hahahahhaha what a joke).

The other thing is… I guess I might want to make friends with my new classmates in February. I think I can’t live without social networking when trying to make new friends, so I conceded and made a renren account.

After reading an article in a psychology publication (Association for Psychological Science) called “Negotiating Interracial Interactions” by Richeson and Shelton, I realized that my exhaustion may be because the mediating role of self-regulation impacted my executive control, which led to a depletion in my cognitive capacity, which means I was mentally drained.

In plain words, it basically means that in talking to people I constantly need to control the image I project, which leads to me being tired afterwards.

Maybe that has to do with why I like some people I hang out with, and why I dislike some people with whom I interact. For example, I feel very at ease when I’m talking with J, which would be the reason why I like him. I don’t feel like I have to act a certain way just to entertain him. There it is – that word, “entertain”. I constantly feel like I have to entertain some of my friends when I interact with them, which makes me really, really sick of seeing them sometimes. Life is a stage, and constantly performing on it really does make one feel drained.

I don’t feel drained when I am taking with J. It feels like we can go on for hours and hours. With some people, the conversation just dies after twenty minutes or so.

I think… I need to build up my stamina so that I can interact with others without feeling drained. That is a good plan.

You see, even through the smallest of openings one can see light. (Picture of the sky from my room, half-obscured by the other side of the building).

I called J out for brunch today. It was a short lunch, but at least we got to talk after a long time.

We both had lattes for brunch. It was pretty good.

J  got a haircut…  he doesn’t have bangs anymore… looks like a hoodlum, if I must say. Hm… It’s funny how I still haven’t gotten over him – I will, soon.

I have chubbeh cheeks!

I just feel so tired of things never working out. I think a part of me died already – that part of me that thought happiness is just around the corner. Maybe it is, but just down a corridor that I might never visit.

So jaded. So pathetic. So me.

I’ve been saying that this drama is the story of my life, probably because I tend to morph my ego to the egos of the characters in the dramas I watch. That said, I feel this is the story of my life because it reminds me of J and me. Unfortunately, we don’t seem to have the chemistry the leads have in that drama.

我想了想～如果我表白了，朋友还能当吗？李大仁害怕的就是表白了以后还能不能跟程又青作最好的朋友。

可是。。。表白有什么意思吗？不管表白不表白，他还会回到Liz的身边。我和他到底是什么？

男人是不是都好奇新鲜？这学期初，他和我基本上天天见到，吃饭，聊天。现在呢？连个生日晚餐他都忙的去不了。想聚一聚都特别困难。

我其实。。。分析了一下：我们俩做最好的朋友也不错。算正两个人都聊得来，彼此了解。

我是不是很蠢啊？早就知道不会什么好下场，还是硬着干。现在只能学会。。。《放下》。

Forget the “I guess” part. I am sad about not being here next semester.

He said I looked like a Greek Goddess when he first saw me in my dress.

I ask myself often… why am I doing this? Why am I leaving when I’ve just gotten so much closer to so many people?

And then… and then…

I don’t really know.

I think I am afraid of being on my own during the next eight months. My only support system will be my parents and the few friends I will make at Beijing University. Language barriers will make the communication difficult.

But then, after eight months, I’ll completely have lost my feelings for J.